The internet is no place for dirty laundry. I still believe this even though what I type next isn't exactly fresh and downyfied. Growing up really sucks sometimes. I think I've been saying that since I was 10. For the first time though, I think I'm making some real progress. From the end of August up until a couple of weeks ago, my brilliant, handsome, self destructive father was homeless. Not crashing on a friend's couch, but surviving in a real live homeless shelter. I think for the first time, I was so broken I didn't even try to tape up the pieces for appearances sake. I can't fix him. In a society where (no matter what people say) status is directly related to the ownership of things, there is a particular brand of shame attached to the down and out. Jokes are made about them, hostility bubbles forth, eye contact is avoided. A few brave southern baptists will sacrifice a Saturday to pick up a hair net and their crosses to make sure they are fed and prayed for. I've noticed in many people (even in myself) that there is a serious need to be separate from them. Sort of like a caste system we hold ourselves to at our very core. What does it mean when the man that I am biologically hardwired to worship drops to that unmentionable place in society? The answer; you realize that you've wasted too many years trying to salvage your pride. That invisible ladder you are trying to balance and climb is real because people believe in it. They always will. But when you stop slipping and squirming and are finally honest with yourself, you are quite alone in this world. You can spend your whole life chipping away little pieces and tucking the ugliness away until the pressure erodes you down to a very 'popular' but indistinguishable form among other indistinguishable forms and realize after all of that work that that truth remains the same. Or you can change your perspective and like yourself because you actually like yourself. Not because other people tell you how wonderful you are. I wrote a note on facebook a long time ago called 'becoming' referring to a line in the classic children's book 'the velveteen rabbit.' I ended the story with the words 'As humans, we need so badly to be loved. 24/7, 365, we need more than anything for someone to see us, and know us and need us. To love us when all of our beauty and softness has rubbed off. This makes us real. When you can be heartbroken, ugly, and tired, and someone comes up to you not because you are some charity case but because they LOVE you, and they just sit with you and care..this is when you know you are real' and at the time I believed them. My perspective has changed. I think what makes us real and moves us one step closer to God and enlightenment is stripping away everything we have ever been taught about what a person should be and realizing that love is a replenishable resource. There is plenty to go around. But you have to love YOU before it means anything.

Lessons from my Papaw.

Today is my Papaw's birthday. Nobody ever loved me better. Here's to 77 years of being the most adorable, loving little guy on the planet. Take note. He's the best man I know.

1)Tang is better with two cherries.

2)Respect EVERYBODY. Not just your elders.

3)If you fall off the monkey bars, cry a little, dust off your overalls, and hop right back up there.

4)You swing higher when you use sound effects.(Click, click, click, click, ZOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

5)The secret to keeping a marriage not just together but joyful is marrying your very best friend.

6)Keep your eye on the ball.

7) Oil is the lifeblood of your vehicle. Change it regularly.

8) No matter what you do, do it well.

9) Never spend more than you earn, and always put part of your check in savings.

10) There is great strength in humility.

11) Always forgive, never stop giving second chances.

12)Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. And open your eyes to see Him in the faces and places around you.

13) You're never too old for headstands.

14) Never take life too seriously.

15) The secret to sword fighting is in your stance.

16)Sousa composed all of the best marches.

17) Squirrels are the devil.

18) Always be a servant.

19)Nothing is more important than right now.

20)Nobody should ever close their eyes at night without hearing the words 'I love you at least twice a day.

On life and loss.

Its so strange, losing people you love. There is an initial grieving period, of course. Everybody is full of hugs and sympathy for your loss, for your shared losses. Then you go home and you start your new life, and eventually things are okay. Life goes on, and you get so busy the ache isn't really on the front burner anymore. Months go by and you laugh again, and that thats the new normal. Every here and there, though, you will be standing in the middle of a grocery store and you smell them. So strongly that you would swear they were right beside you. You see a box of tea at TJ Maxx that they would love and you pick it up because you can picture exactly how their face would light up if you mailed them a fun care package. You remember the laugh lines of their face, the warm fortress of their arms when you are having a less than fabulous day. And there you are there again, in the profound absence of her. Of Him. You are supposed to remember that they are in heaven and full of joy that they are no longer bound to this poisonous world. You are supposed to rejoice for them, you're supposed to hold them in your hearts and let the warm fuzzies wash over you. Let me tell you, sometimes its okay to be sad. Sometimes it is absolutely acceptable to miss somebody so much you can't get out of bed. Not that life doesn't go on. Reaching for the past will only bring disappointment. C.S. Lewis said it best,"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter." Thats where I am today.