The Female Condition

     The small East Texas town in which I was reared had several words for unmarried women of a certain age. Each carried varying degrees of implied sting and judgment; old maids, possible lesbians, probable floosies, worst of all- the unapologetic bohemians. All, are considered cautionary tales, passed like grandma’s blue-ribbon firecracker casserole recipe from mother to daughter; what happens when you stop going to church and get fat too soon after high school. Strangely enough, it wasn’t until I ventured past the gates of that hillbilly hell and wandered into the big city that I was afforded the opportunity to understand the universality of this behavior.
    Women objectify women, but like everything else on this planet, men do it better. Around every city corner was a new tinder Troll, each with an insatiable appetite for sex, drama, and unconditional adoration. You can find them at bar counters and putt-putt golf courses a-plenty. Always itching to brand potential mates with their scarlet letters: A or B (for basic, boring, big boobs) or S (slut, sassy, scrappy) or V (vapid, voluptuous, varicose vein-y). It wasn’t until my fourth date and the bottom of my third drink that I realized first, my date had wandered off with my favorite purse and second, that I had it all wrong. I had no right to be upset with all of the women who threw their side eyed shade in judgement or the men who (sometimes literally) robbed me of my dignity. The simple fact of the matter is that women must be objectified; it is only natural since we are abstract humans with no real souls. It is time to stop constantly fighting for respect and fending off gropes from drunk apes; we should just try learning to shut our mouths, shorten our skirts, accept the gender wage gap for what it is. Laissez les bons temps rouler, am I right?
      There are several benefits that come to mind when one considers ceasing the perpetuation of known falsities such as the assertion that ‘women are equal to men.’ The first being, slavery. Why waste money that you could be giving to men? If everybody stopped treating women like they have brains of their own, then they would leave their jobs and go back home where they belong. Or you could leave them in the workforce and just give their husbands all of the money that they earned because women struggle with handling financial issues on their own. Once we have accepted the clearly established truth- that the only role women serve in society is to service and entertain men, we can stop dallying around and put them to work for free.
     Secondly, the effort required for a man to secure a mate would decrease significantly. I always accepted for fact that women are basically machines that you put kindness and attention coins into and sex falls out, but man I was off. Once women know their place, any Tom, Dick or Harry will have a shot at living out their wildest fantasies. The possibilities are endless, and since women are only animals, breaking their spirit is easy. You can turn them into sex slaves or spend the evening ordering them to massage your pasty-white back fat after a long day's work, no harm, no foul. They can even bake your dinner!
      Lastly, if we see women in the abstract, as opposed to taking the time to get to know the soul of each and every one of them, they are simply interchangeable. It takes enough effort to remember the names of your colleagues, why stress your overworked mind further by stuffing extra information in it? A woman is a woman. That's all you need to know. The ones that try to go on and take jobs that require actual brain work from men who are biologically hardwired to be smarter and more capable in every way are just kidding themselves. Maybe if they put a little less effort into whining about sexual harassment in the workforce and a little more into finding a husband, people would invite them to parties.
      In conclusion, ladies let us be the generation to end this madness. Why fight the inevitable? By teaching your daughters to read and believe that they can grow up to do jobs meant for men you are just ensuring that nobody will want to date them in high school. Stop stuffing your faces with books and maybe start working on toning that flabby rear-end before it’s too late. You, woman, are a baby-making love machine in a human skin suit, accept it and you will have the peace that only comes from fulfilling your destiny.

Learning

Laying in my back yard watching stars and airplanes fly by as a twangy sad Patsy Cline song twirls through the air, I glance down at my hands..fingers fat, twisted and caught in the glow of the notification of a text sent to my phone. 'Hey beautiful, miss you.' Its from a sweet man. A man who holds my hand and tells me everyday how special, bright and lovely I am. It is exactly what I needed, still- hot tears sting my eyes. I squeeze them shut, stuff my phone under my blanket as I breathe in the cool damp darkness and achy E minors. There is a flash of a different handsome face slipping into a wide grin, my same fat fingers twisted in his beautiful dark hair. A man who was not gentle with my heart. I slip them both around in my brain for a minute, the one I loved and the one that loves me. And I thank God for them both...for the lessons I learned and am still learning, for opening my heart. I'm not sorry for one second of any of it. I've always been told to guard my heart and to be picky who I trust it with. But I think the more important thing is to go out in the world and love fearlessly and fiercely as much as you can and allow yourself to be loved. It won't always end up the way you want. In fact it very rarely will. Where there are breaks though, there are also opportunities to rebuild in beautiful ways you never would have expected. And for that we must be grateful.

The internet is no place for dirty laundry. I still believe this even though what I type next isn't exactly fresh and downyfied. Growing up really sucks sometimes. I think I've been saying that since I was 10. For the first time though, I think I'm making some real progress. From the end of August up until a couple of weeks ago, my brilliant, handsome, self destructive father was homeless. Not crashing on a friend's couch, but surviving in a real live homeless shelter. I think for the first time, I was so broken I didn't even try to tape up the pieces for appearances sake. I can't fix him. In a society where (no matter what people say) status is directly related to the ownership of things, there is a particular brand of shame attached to the down and out. Jokes are made about them, hostility bubbles forth, eye contact is avoided. A few brave southern baptists will sacrifice a Saturday to pick up a hair net and their crosses to make sure they are fed and prayed for. I've noticed in many people (even in myself) that there is a serious need to be separate from them. Sort of like a caste system we hold ourselves to at our very core. What does it mean when the man that I am biologically hardwired to worship drops to that unmentionable place in society? The answer; you realize that you've wasted too many years trying to salvage your pride. That invisible ladder you are trying to balance and climb is real because people believe in it. They always will. But when you stop slipping and squirming and are finally honest with yourself, you are quite alone in this world. You can spend your whole life chipping away little pieces and tucking the ugliness away until the pressure erodes you down to a very 'popular' but indistinguishable form among other indistinguishable forms and realize after all of that work that that truth remains the same. Or you can change your perspective and like yourself because you actually like yourself. Not because other people tell you how wonderful you are. I wrote a note on facebook a long time ago called 'becoming' referring to a line in the classic children's book 'the velveteen rabbit.' I ended the story with the words 'As humans, we need so badly to be loved. 24/7, 365, we need more than anything for someone to see us, and know us and need us. To love us when all of our beauty and softness has rubbed off. This makes us real. When you can be heartbroken, ugly, and tired, and someone comes up to you not because you are some charity case but because they LOVE you, and they just sit with you and care..this is when you know you are real' and at the time I believed them. My perspective has changed. I think what makes us real and moves us one step closer to God and enlightenment is stripping away everything we have ever been taught about what a person should be and realizing that love is a replenishable resource. There is plenty to go around. But you have to love YOU before it means anything.

Lessons from my Papaw.

Today is my Papaw's birthday. Nobody ever loved me better. Here's to 77 years of being the most adorable, loving little guy on the planet. Take note. He's the best man I know.

1)Tang is better with two cherries.

2)Respect EVERYBODY. Not just your elders.

3)If you fall off the monkey bars, cry a little, dust off your overalls, and hop right back up there.

4)You swing higher when you use sound effects.(Click, click, click, click, ZOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

5)The secret to keeping a marriage not just together but joyful is marrying your very best friend.

6)Keep your eye on the ball.

7) Oil is the lifeblood of your vehicle. Change it regularly.

8) No matter what you do, do it well.

9) Never spend more than you earn, and always put part of your check in savings.

10) There is great strength in humility.

11) Always forgive, never stop giving second chances.

12)Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. And open your eyes to see Him in the faces and places around you.

13) You're never too old for headstands.

14) Never take life too seriously.

15) The secret to sword fighting is in your stance.

16)Sousa composed all of the best marches.

17) Squirrels are the devil.

18) Always be a servant.

19)Nothing is more important than right now.

20)Nobody should ever close their eyes at night without hearing the words 'I love you at least twice a day.

On life and loss.

Its so strange, losing people you love. There is an initial grieving period, of course. Everybody is full of hugs and sympathy for your loss, for your shared losses. Then you go home and you start your new life, and eventually things are okay. Life goes on, and you get so busy the ache isn't really on the front burner anymore. Months go by and you laugh again, and that thats the new normal. Every here and there, though, you will be standing in the middle of a grocery store and you smell them. So strongly that you would swear they were right beside you. You see a box of tea at TJ Maxx that they would love and you pick it up because you can picture exactly how their face would light up if you mailed them a fun care package. You remember the laugh lines of their face, the warm fortress of their arms when you are having a less than fabulous day. And there you are there again, in the profound absence of her. Of Him. You are supposed to remember that they are in heaven and full of joy that they are no longer bound to this poisonous world. You are supposed to rejoice for them, you're supposed to hold them in your hearts and let the warm fuzzies wash over you. Let me tell you, sometimes its okay to be sad. Sometimes it is absolutely acceptable to miss somebody so much you can't get out of bed. Not that life doesn't go on. Reaching for the past will only bring disappointment. C.S. Lewis said it best,"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter." Thats where I am today.

The Weary Kind

What a breath of fresh air today has been! For the first time in a year...I woke up and I wasn't stuck. Mostly because of my wonderful grandparents and their infinite love and generosity. I guess I've been in a funk for way longer than I even realized. How absolutely blessed am I that there are people all around me who want me to be wonderful. I'm SO ready to get on with my life!! It will be full of love, laughter, the realization of every single one of my dreams. Lets do this! This song has been speaking to my heart today...it reminds me of when you unexpectedly catch a glimpse of some ones inner beauty and it just rips your heart out with its simplistic genuineness. Its uncomplicated and lovely. Just like today. :)

Wonderland

I love Tim Burton. I love Alice in Wonderland. What a magical combination. Not only was it visually apeasing, with fancy 3D technology, and Alice's many couture versions of her traditional blue smock...it was good to be reminded that I'm not the only one that is still mad as a hatter. I can relate to Burton's Alice. Once she was great. Once Wonderland was her playground, but then life happened. She lost her father, everyone around her tried to push her into an ordinary mold, even though clearly, she was extraordinary. She was smothered in mediocrity. Then at the peak of her suffocation, she finds her way back to wonderland. Her strain from the passing years is a evident and her dear friend the Hatter points out that she used to be much...muchier. Don't we all want to believe that we failed at normalcy because we are meant for greater and more fabulous things? Alice rose to the occasion. If only we all were so heroic. If nothing else you should go see Alice because it reminds you of the every day wonders right in front of your face. Who needs to get all dirty falling down a rabit hole when all you have to do is change your perspective a little!? :)