The small East Texas town in which I was reared had several words for unmarried women of a certain age. Each carried varying degrees of implied sting and judgment; old maids, possible lesbians, probable floosies, worst of all- the unapologetic bohemians. All, are considered cautionary tales, passed like grandma’s blue-ribbon firecracker casserole recipe from mother to daughter; what happens when you stop going to church and get fat too soon after high school. Strangely enough, it wasn’t until I ventured past the gates of that hillbilly hell and wandered into the big city that I was afforded the opportunity to understand the universality of this behavior.
Women objectify women, but like everything else on this planet, men do it better. Around every city corner was a new tinder Troll, each with an insatiable appetite for sex, drama, and unconditional adoration. You can find them at bar counters and putt-putt golf courses a-plenty. Always itching to brand potential mates with their scarlet letters: A or B (for basic, boring, big boobs) or S (slut, sassy, scrappy) or V (vapid, voluptuous, varicose vein-y). It wasn’t until my fourth date and the bottom of my third drink that I realized first, my date had wandered off with my favorite purse and second, that I had it all wrong. I had no right to be upset with all of the women who threw their side eyed shade in judgement or the men who (sometimes literally) robbed me of my dignity. The simple fact of the matter is that women must be objectified; it is only natural since we are abstract humans with no real souls. It is time to stop constantly fighting for respect and fending off gropes from drunk apes; we should just try learning to shut our mouths, shorten our skirts, accept the gender wage gap for what it is. Laissez les bons temps rouler, am I right?
There are several benefits that come to mind when one considers ceasing the perpetuation of known falsities such as the assertion that ‘women are equal to men.’ The first being, slavery. Why waste money that you could be giving to men? If everybody stopped treating women like they have brains of their own, then they would leave their jobs and go back home where they belong. Or you could leave them in the workforce and just give their husbands all of the money that they earned because women struggle with handling financial issues on their own. Once we have accepted the clearly established truth- that the only role women serve in society is to service and entertain men, we can stop dallying around and put them to work for free.
Secondly, the effort required for a man to secure a mate would decrease significantly. I always accepted for fact that women are basically machines that you put kindness and attention coins into and sex falls out, but man I was off. Once women know their place, any Tom, Dick or Harry will have a shot at living out their wildest fantasies. The possibilities are endless, and since women are only animals, breaking their spirit is easy. You can turn them into sex slaves or spend the evening ordering them to massage your pasty-white back fat after a long day's work, no harm, no foul. They can even bake your dinner!
Lastly, if we see women in the abstract, as opposed to taking the time to get to know the soul of each and every one of them, they are simply interchangeable. It takes enough effort to remember the names of your colleagues, why stress your overworked mind further by stuffing extra information in it? A woman is a woman. That's all you need to know. The ones that try to go on and take jobs that require actual brain work from men who are biologically hardwired to be smarter and more capable in every way are just kidding themselves. Maybe if they put a little less effort into whining about sexual harassment in the workforce and a little more into finding a husband, people would invite them to parties.
In conclusion, ladies let us be the generation to end this madness. Why fight the inevitable? By teaching your daughters to read and believe that they can grow up to do jobs meant for men you are just ensuring that nobody will want to date them in high school. Stop stuffing your faces with books and maybe start working on toning that flabby rear-end before it’s too late. You, woman, are a baby-making love machine in a human skin suit, accept it and you will have the peace that only comes from fulfilling your destiny.
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