Learning

Laying in my back yard watching stars and airplanes fly by as a twangy sad Patsy Cline song twirls through the air, I glance down at my hands..fingers fat, twisted and caught in the glow of the notification of a text sent to my phone. 'Hey beautiful, miss you.' Its from a sweet man. A man who holds my hand and tells me everyday how special, bright and lovely I am. It is exactly what I needed, still- hot tears sting my eyes. I squeeze them shut, stuff my phone under my blanket as I breathe in the cool damp darkness and achy E minors. There is a flash of a different handsome face slipping into a wide grin, my same fat fingers twisted in his beautiful dark hair. A man who was not gentle with my heart. I slip them both around in my brain for a minute, the one I loved and the one that loves me. And I thank God for them both...for the lessons I learned and am still learning, for opening my heart. I'm not sorry for one second of any of it. I've always been told to guard my heart and to be picky who I trust it with. But I think the more important thing is to go out in the world and love fearlessly and fiercely as much as you can and allow yourself to be loved. It won't always end up the way you want. In fact it very rarely will. Where there are breaks though, there are also opportunities to rebuild in beautiful ways you never would have expected. And for that we must be grateful.